


I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul

by Merelina



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, mcu: AU
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 19:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merelina/pseuds/Merelina
Summary: Au in which Bucky is a modern day kiddo that has an abusive father, and a modern day student that got away from his father but now has to deal with the shadows of his past.In the end he succeeds with the help of his little sister Rebecca, his friends the Avengers and his love Steve. A story about overcoming your childhood trauma, or part of it at least.





	1. Chapter one, childhood hisses

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: there is severe child abuse depicted in this story. If this is not your cup of tea, don't worry there are plenty of other fic-fishes in the Sea of Fandom.  
> Title are two lines from the poem 'Invictus' by Henley. Posted as chapter three

#  chapter one

Bucky’s life hadn’t always been good, in fact, it had been bad for the first 16 years of his life.  
His mother was a loving woman, but timid and scared of his father. When his sister came into this world, his mother left it.

Bucky was 6 years old when he stole his father’s credit card and bought baby formula for Rebecca.  
He was 7 when he was admitted to a private hospital with 2 cracked ribs, a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder because he ‘fell down the stairs, the silly boy’ He remembers how his father hissed the words _“I own you, little bitch”_ into his ears.  
He was 8 years old when the shopkeeper on the corner caught him stealing a microwave dinner. Bucky had to explain he hadn’t eaten in days, because his father punished him for being a bad boy that way. The shopkeeper made a deal with him, if he was hungry he would sweep the pavement outside the shop for a meal.  
He was 9 years old when he was treated for a broken cheekbone, and three broken fingers and a cracked wrist when he ‘had a small accident with his bike, haha’ the hissed words in his ear: _“You’re mine fucking wimp”_  
He was 10 years old when he stole his father’s credit card again and ordered his sister’s schoolbag, schoolbooks and outfit online. He put it back before his father noticed, and he never heard from it again.  
He was 11 years old when he was treated for strange markings on his back, when he ‘fell during a trek through the mountains, and he slid down the mountainside on his back’ His father ran his fingers over Bucky’s scars sometimes and then smiled as he hissed _“these marks show you’re mine, pussy”_  
The doctors always asked questions and made reports and asked Child Protecting Services to check, but it always came to nothing. His father was influential, had a lot of money and made it all go away, leaving Bucky to receive the pain and trouble. He took care of his sister, he was there when she had problems, he was there when she was sad, he was there when she was happy. And whenever she did something wrong, he took the blame for it. His only thought when his father’s belt made welts and bruises and wounds on his back, _at least it isn’t Becca’s back, at least she is safe._

He was 12 years old when he was treated for a shattered left lower arm, a twist fracture on his upper left arm, 6 broken ribs, a minor bleeding in his spleen, and a cracked kneecap on his right leg. ‘Car accident’ was the explanation, _“now you’re really never going anywhere anymore little fuck-up”_ were the hissed words.  
He was also 12, lying in his hospital bed when he realized something. He had to get himself and Becca out of there. And so there in his hospital bed, nearing his 13th birthday he came up with a plan. He could become a legal guardian for Rebecca when he would be 16 years old, so that was his deadline. He came to the conclusion he needed not just his guardianship arrangement, but he also needed money, a place to live safely away from his father, and a steady income. And he had three years to do it.

Already interested in taking things apart from a young age, he decided there and then to try and make his money that way. So when he was out of the hospital, he followed evening classes in the local university on mechanical engineering, robotics and computer programming. Since he was 13, and not officially allowed, he snuck in the back just before class started and hid in a dark corner. Only after all the lights were out, he came out of his hiding spot and ran home. Where his father was sometimes waiting for him with more fists or belt buckles, or both.  
When he was 14 he opened his own bank account, by hiding the parental consent form in between his father’s ‘to sign’ papers and pulling it out before his father’s assistant came to collect the papers. He stole his father’s credit card about once a week to do shopping online and when he learned he could transfer funds to his bank account online, he sent over a 1000 dollars each month with the generic name ‘household funds’ sometimes it really paid (literally) to have the same name as his father. His father did not notice the extra 1000 missing anyway.  
When he was about 14 turning 15 he made a little money by fixing things for people.  
And when he was 15, close to 16 he had enough to make a down payment on a tiny apartment in New York, ready to be moved in on the 11th of March. It wasn’t in the best of neighbourhoods, but not in the worst either.

He filled out the form for his guardianship over Rebecca, and in the last week of February he once again pulled the trick with the ‘to sign’ paper pile. He filed the paper immediately after getting it back, forgoing his school day, and when the now stamped and approved form back again, he locked himself in his room and cried for the first time in years. He held his and his sister’s freedom in his hands, all on one silly form.  
On the 10th of March, his birthday he received a ‘happy birthday son’ from his father and a beautiful handmade bright pink bracelet from his sister, now 10 years old. He asked his father if it was okay to take Rebecca to the movies for his birthday and his father agreed, leaving soon after.

Rebecca was packing her school bag when he entered her room and explained his plan. She was sad to leave her friends behind but was glad to leave her father behind if that meant that her favourite person in the whole world, would not get beaten and hurt again. And so they packed their bags with clothes, her favourite stuffed animal, his favourite tools. Her diary, his forms and official papers. Her hair pins and party dress, his old jeans and his arm brace (his left arm never fully healed after his shattered bones were set). When the cab rolled up, he left Becca and the driver to pack the bags in the back, and he went into his father’s office. He took a final look around, walked to the desk and placed a copy of the guardianship file right in the middle where his father couldn’t miss it. He heaved a relieved sigh, turned around and walked out of the house, not once looking back.


	2. Chapter two, the tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Rebecca got away, and have begun to heal. They build a life, a future and find friends and lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of past child abuse

In New York they quickly settled into their new life. There was the good stuff which included not getting hurt by their father, and not being worried about their father. It involved making new friends that were allowed to come home with Rebecca, and making new friends that were allowed to have a beer at their kitchen table, at the end of the day. It involved dreaming about a brighter future.  
There was also the bad stuff, like money concerns, the fact he was not 18 and therefore not legally old enough to sign for things and what if their father found out where they were. After he had found their birth certificates one day in his father’s office he realized they had had their mother’s maiden name all along. So their new identities did not read James Buchanan and Rachel Rebecca Jones but Bucky and Rebecca Barnes. His computer browser history only showed housing searches in Los Angeles and some files on schools in the same area. His father’s credit card showed the purchase of two tickets to LAX airport (he gave them away to two desperate looking people on the airport). All signs showed they went to LA, never thinking about New York. So they were careful, but still there was always the fear that maybe one day his father...

Rebecca was 12 years old and could take care of herself most of the time he was at at work, but he made sure he was home to eat together and talk about their day. They trusted each other explicitly and loved watching movies together on Wednesdays, which was now their movie night. With happiness he looked at his sister and realized she had the best teenage years. She had friends with whom she went to the mall, or sat happily chatting in their living room watching movies and giggling about the boys on tv. 

There was also the realization how much of life he had missed. Bucky had never had time to think about falling in love for example, or what he was going to do with his life further than ‘getting him and Becca out of reach of their father’. He never thought about what he wanted outside of that, and now he found himself wandering aimlessly from one job to another. However, he found himself thinking back to his time in the back of the college auditoriums more and more, and after 2 years he applied for a scholarship to study mechanical engineering with a major in robotics. The next school year came around when he was 18 years old and he could finally, legally, sit in the back of the college auditorium and follow classes.

Which is also where he fell in love for the first time. With the most unreachable, way, WAY out-his-league man he could possibly find on this planet; Captain America.

He was in a class taught by an adjunct professor called Tony Stark, aka the man behind Stark Industries, aka Iron man of the Avengers. With him, introduced as ‘his lovely assistant’ was Steve Rogers aka the man behind the shield, aka Captain America of the Avengers. And when everyone laughed at this assistant introduction, Bucky found himself smiling for a very different reason. He had never seen such angelic blue eyes in his life and he fell in them, right the moment they looked at him. They held his gaze for, what couldn't have been more than two seconds, but Bucky was lost. Completely and totally lost. It was a good thing he was good at this subject or he would’ve made a fool of himself. When Mr. Stark put a problem for them to solve as homework, he found himself trying his best to solve it, in order to get attention from Mr. Stark. (No, he was not trying to get attention from Steve Rogers, and he was definitely not trying to impress him, why do you ask?).

The issue with this problem Mr Stark posed is that it is a difficult one, one he actually had to use his brain for, and after a week he still hadn’t found the answer. Until he woke up at three in the morning, suddenly realizing where the solutions was lying. If he could circumvent the coiling issue there was only the… yes that would work! He wrote it down and drew it on his papers and he was putting the final touches on it when his sister woke up to go to school. She looked at the disarray of papers, laptop, pens, markers and a ruler and smiled at her brother.  
When he came into Stark’s class two and a half week later, Stark started with a smile on his face and the question  
“Who solved the homework?” He did not expect many raised hands, because the problem was nigh impossible. He explained why the solution of a smart, somewhat older student would work in theory but never in real life. He pointed out the mistake of a serious looking young lady and what the consequences of this mistake would be, and he made good-natured fun with the silly tries. When he explained the last non-working solution, he wanted to continue with the class, when this timid, small, 18-year-old boy in the back spoke up and said he had a solution as well. In a calm and quiet voice he explained in 5 minutes why his plan would work.  
This kid’s plan was not only fully functional but also genius and just plain amazing. It did not happen often but Tony Stark was speechless. A fact Steve picked up immediately, and with a smile he said:  
“oh dear! Tony Stark is speechless. I don’t think you were supposed to solve this, Bucky. Now he doesn’t know what to do anymore”  
The class, including Bucky laughs, and Tony makes a face. Bucky’s brain short circuits as he thinks too many things all jumbled up. Two thoughts that seem to stand out though, are “oh my god Stark’s speechless” and “holy shit Steve Rogers knows my name”

Things move fast after that. Bucky is offered an internship at Stark Industries that soon turns into training/work, which means he doesn’t follow classes anymore but does have to make all his tests and exams at university. He works closely with Stark and it somehow works. Stark, the enthusiastic, sometimes raging madman bursting with ideas, somehow perfectly matches with the quiet, equally brilliant Bucky that brings order into Tony’s head.  
He meets and becomes friends with the Avengers and when Tony is busy being Iron man, Bucky becomes the go-to guy for any problems they may have. Steve always seems to break things, which he mumbling chalks up to him not knowing his own strength. Things around Steve seem to break a lot less after he finally musters the courage to ask Bucky out on a date, and they soon become lovers.

The day Steve learns of Bucky’s father is not a good day for anyone around Steve. He’s pissed and snaps at others, immediately apologizing after. He has half a mind of going to the man himself to personally bury his fist in his face, but he doesn’t. He talks his anger away at Natascha, who in turns smiles a cold smile. Steve knows that smile, and he knows not to ask too much. All he gets is a "don't worry Steve, leave it to me" and she walks away, making phone calls in Russian.

He listens to Bucky telling him snippets of information about his father's abuse. Slowly, over time, he learns everything. He learns about the belt, about the fists and the kicks. He hears about why Bucky's left arm isn’t fully functional and scarred and he listens to the soft whispers Bucky breathes when Steve traces his fingers over the scars on his back.  
“I own you, little bitch” “You’re mine fucking wimp” “These marks show you’re mine, pussy” “now you’re really never going anywhere anymore, my little fuck-up”  
He hears the hisses, repeated by Bucky with a shiver that has Steve wrap his arms around him tight.  
“You’re yours babe. You’re not anyone else’s. Even I do not have that claim. I may have your heart, but never you.”  
“I know Steve.” after a sigh “it still feels like he owns those scars, like he owns the pain in my arm. Like he… “ he clenches his jaw, closing his eyes for a second, as if he’s trying not to see the thoughts in his head. Steve holds him closer still, a cold anger in his heart, directed at the man that hurt his Bucky so bad. It’s moments like this, the urge to have fist-meet-daddy’s-face is the strongest. He should talk to Nat again soon. 

Later, when they’re in bed, Bucky lying on his stomach reading a book and Steve lying next to him on his side, Steve runs his fingers over Bucky’s back. “Did you know you have an owl on your back? This scar here looks like an owl inside a hollow of a tree.” Bucky smiles, but keeps reading, so Steve tries again. “And this one here? That looks like a branch of a tree. It’s kind of gnarly like it’s very old. But there’s a flower at the end of it, here.” and he pokes Bucky at the ‘here’. Bucky who is ticklish as all hell on his back giggles.”stop it!” His face turns sad.  
“There is no flower on my back Steve, it’s just scars” he turns his head away, ashamed. He wants to be perfect for Steve, but he really doesn’t feel like it.  
“I know Buck. It still looks like a flower to me sweetie”  
No more is said then, but Steve continues at other times. He has a new meaning behind every scar he traces on Bucky’s back, and Bucky keeps telling him they’re just scars. But he listens and one day when he looks in the mirror, twisting his neck to see the scars on his back, for a second he sees it too.

Rebecca is, of course, very proud of her friendship with the avengers and after she is sworn not to tell anybody, is ecstatic to find Spiderman is in fact a guy in her school named Peter Parker! She chats excitedly to her friends about the Avengers and is sometimes allowed to take a friend into the tower, making her easily the most popular girl in school. One Wednesday, which is now movie night in Stark’s private cinema, after the movie Steve and 15 year-old Rebecca stay behind to chat. Rebecca reveals to Steve she has realized how much she owes her brother. How much he took on his shoulders to spare her. To prevent her from getting hurt and later to make sure she had as much a normal life as possible. Bucky has made sure she has all her ducks in a row, that she knows how to love and hold dear. Always forgoing himself in the process. He was stern and tough and loving and kind and funny. He is my friend, my brother, and both my parents.

A cold January morning has Steve waking up to Bucky calling his name in half a panic. He's out of bed and next to Bucky in two seconds, when Bucky shows him the morning paper shaking in his hands. the headline reads:

> U.S. Attorney of Colorado District J. Jones found murdered his home.

"That's my father Steve, he's...." Steve catches Bucky, who is unable to stand on his own, and carries him to the couch.  
"Sweetie... Are you okay?"  
Bucky doesn't answer for a long time. "I don't have to worry about him showing up anymore. He's gone. He's gone?" he ask uncertain  
Steve who knows Nat's smile, nods "yes sweetie. He will never hurt you anymore. Ever."  
"I have to call Becca"  
And when Bucky cries with his sister on the phone, Steve sends a picture of the headline to Nat, and _tnx_  
 _np. It truly was a pleasure_ she sends back.

It’s the end of March when Bucky has just turned 21 when Steve needs to go on a longer mission. “About a month” is the time given, but it could also be over in 3 weeks. Or in 8. Steve promises about a million times he will get in contact when he can, which won’t be much, if at all, and then leaves after many kisses and hugs. That night Bucky lies in his bed that feels too big for him without Steve in it, and he hears Steve voice  
Still looks like a flower to me.  
_Oh and this one looks like a branch with a tiny little mouse on it._  
Hey a fox!, no really, if you take this line as his tail then…  
These little squiggles here are the roots of the tree…

The next day he steps into the best tattoo parlor in town, and asks for a guy named Rafael. He asked around and that name kept coming up as ‘the best there is’ and ‘he’s a tattoo wizard’. So here he is, scared and feeling smaller than ever. Through a curtain comes a big burly man, one you’d expect in a tattoo shop, and he shakes Bucky’s hand introducing himself as Rafael, “call me Raf, everyone does” Somehow, despite the burly first impression, Bucky feels somehow comfortable with this man.  
“I’m Bucky. Do you ehm, tattoo over scars?” he asks quiet, but determined.  
“Let’s discuss this in the back yeah?” and Raf leads him to a room in the back, where Bucky sits down and explains about the scars, about his father, about Steve about the tree and all its inhabitants. He is surprised at the end. Surprised at how long is has taken him to tell it all. Surprised at the tears on his face. Surprise at why he told all of this, without holding anything back, to someone he had never met before. Surprised and suddenly very scared of the reaction he will get. When his eyes meet Raf across the table, Raf doesn’t say anything for a while.  
“That’s quite the story, my friend, and not easily told. If I understand correctly you don’t want your back to be owned by scars anymore, but by the stories of your lover.” Bucky nods shakily, this guy gets it.  
“Are you alright with me taking some pictures of your back so I can design some things for you?” Another nod from Bucky.  
“Okay. I take the pictures, make the designs from what you’ve told me and I see you a week from today, to go over them.” another nod and a sigh of relief. They take the pictures and together discuss what should go where. 

Bucky is all nerves, fidgeting with his nails and biting his lip, when he shows up a week later. Raf makes him feel comfortable with some coffee and some random banter. Then he shows Bucky his designs, and Bucky is blown away at how good this looks. How good _he_ will look when this is done. He stares at the designs and those stupid tears come up again, the traitors!  
Raf asks if he wants to start right away, or if he wants another appointment, but he’s ready for this.

Raf is very patient with him, stops when he can’t take no more, and always tells what he’s going to do. He’s gentle, but it sometimes just hurts like a bitch. On particular painful spots, he hears his father hissing in his ear.  
_“I own you, little bitch”_ **no you don’t. Not anymore.**  
_“You’re mine fucking wimp”_ **no asshole, I’m not**  
_“These marks show you’re mine, pussy”_ **Hell no.**  
_“now you’re really never going anywhere anymore little fuck-up”_ **This tattoo means I’m mine. And it means you can go fuck yourself.**

It takes two weeks. Two weeks of pain and fighting with the shadows of his father in his mind. Two weeks of tears, of stopping and crying, of wiping them away and going on, of fighting to get that hissing voice to shut up. Two weeks, and then he looks at his back in the mirror, held up by Raf.  
On his back is a beautiful black inked tree. Its branches, leaves and flowers don’t entirely cover the scars perfectly, but use the scars to give extra detail to it. There are small splotches of colour. There is a little grey mouse near the biggest flower on the left side of his back.  
And in the tree trunk is a black hole, with the brown face of an owl peeking out from it. The owl looks curious, as though it is asking what you are doing here. At the bottom of the tree sits a sleek, silver fox. It’s looks so content you can almost hear it making little kind-of-purring noises that foxes make when they’re happy. The flowers are lightly coloured, shaded with colour more like. They’re red, and yellow and deep purple. In the trunk itself is a heart with Steve written in it, like it was carved into the tree’s bark a long time ago.  
And for the first time in his life, Bucky likes to look at his back, it’s beautiful.  
_I am no longer yours, father. This is all mine now. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul._


	3. Invictus by W.E. Henley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The poem on which the title of this fic is based. Not my poem but written by W.E. Henley

# Invictus

# Out of the night that covers me,

# Black as the pit from pole to pole,

# I thank whatever gods may be

# For my unconquerable soul.

# In the fell clutch of circumstance

# I have not winced nor cried aloud.

# Under the bludgeonings of chance

# My head is bloody, but unbowed.

# Beyond this place of wrath and tears

# Looms but the Horror of the shade,

# And yet the menace of the years

# Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

# It matters not how strait the gate,

# How charged with punishments the scroll,

# I am the master of my fate:

# I am the captain of my soul.

#  _W. E. Henley_


End file.
